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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22500346">Holding On</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/OffTorii/pseuds/OffTorii'>OffTorii</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Breaking Bad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, My First Fanfic, Pain, Past Drug Use, Sleep Deprivation, Torture, ghost - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 17:35:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,170</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22500346</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/OffTorii/pseuds/OffTorii</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jesse uses his memories from his past to try to hold on to himself for just a little while longer. His thoughts are the only thing keeping him alive. In particular, a thought of a familiar girl gets him through one of the toughest nights he's had in awhile.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jane Margolis/Jesse Pinkman, Todd Alquist/Jesse Pinkman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Holding On</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first fanfic on here so bare with me. Breaking Bad is seen as a show for "old people" and it's not very popular among teenagers but i'm 17 and I really enjoyed it, it kept me on my feet and rooting for the bad guy so it's very entertaining and I really recommend it. </p><p>yes, it's on Netflix.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jesse shivered in that underground bunker, only a flimsy tarp blocking out any light, but still providing a dim glow for the damaged man. Jesse had been losing track of time since he was dumped in there and had plenty of time to reflect. Days? Months? Who knows but the more Jesse was trapped, the deeper he delved into the memories in his past. Just to keep him sane, just hold on a little while longer.</p><p>As he lay curled in a ball, his hands and feet cuffed together, like every day before he just shut his eyes and let his thoughts take over. He thought about Mr. White and he wanted to hate him but he knew he couldn’t which only fueled his anger more. His thoughts danced from trauma to trauma but one thing stayed in the forefront.</p><p>One girl with raven hair and soft red lips that he missed so much. </p><p>Jesse opened his eyes slowly and looked at the concrete wall of darkness in front of him. He hadn’t even noticed he was crying until he tasted the saltines when he gently licked over lips but none of that mattered to him. He closed his eyes once more, shivering slightly when he did, making more tears fall. </p><p>Jesse tried to remember every detail of his lost love, her skin, her hair, her nails, every fragile detail he could. A hand stroking his cheek made him immediately jump from his thoughts and open his eyes just to have them meet hers. She lay right next to him staring deeply in his eyes with a small smile on her face. </p><p>"J-Jane?” Jesse asked hoarsely and brokenly as if he was whispering a secret.</p><p>“Nice scars” she said as her thumb gently caressed his cheek where Jesse’s scars were exposed or buried deep in his beard and wild mess of hair, while her other fingers sat behind his ear in his hair “Scars tell a story” she said softly and clearly, like it was another afternoon in the apartment and she was spouting some random philosophy to him. </p><p>"I’m so sorry-“ Jesse started to croak out while a new bundle of tears rose in his eyes, “Shhhh its not your fault.. you have to stop blaming yourself” She said this like she knew the countless times Jesse stayed up at night trying to figure out, why him. “I lived how I wanted to and I made the choice to do drugs that was on me” Jane preached to him but Jesse didn’t wanna hear it. He wanted to believe that she died because of Mr. White. He needed to be mad at Mr. White.</p><p>Not Jane.</p><p>“You need to let it go Jesse you can’t keep hiding from the real reason you’re upset” Jane gave him a forehead kiss making Jesse close his eyes and sink into the kiss with a sigh, still remembering how soft her lips felt against him. </p><p>"I’m not mad at you Jane, I-I can’t be mad at you. I miss you too much and it’s all that bastard Mr. White’s fault. He’s the one who let you choke to death” Jesse could feel the anger bubbling up inside him. </p><p>Jane then began to stand up from the dirty floor and Jesse finally got a good enough look at her. She was bare from the legs down with one of Jesse’s old, baggy t-shirts covering up everything else. Jane was barefoot with her toes painted this cherry red and shined in the dim gray glow that shitty tarp let in. </p><p>“I know you want it to be him but it’s not baby” Jane said painfully but for Jesse it went through one ear and out the other, “No no it is him it’s always been him”</p><p>“Jesse you just needed somebody to blame so you blamed him-“</p><p>“No” Jesse shook his head vigorously he wanted to live in his bubble for one more second. He was getting angry because</p><p>“But the truth is i'm an addict and I dragged you down with me-"</p><p>"Stop!" he yelled in a tone that made his hallucination Jane slightly jump with fear, "stop talking about me like i'm some poor, defenseless, baby. Like I couldn't have made the choices I did without you" and to a certain extent, Jesse was right. <br/><br/></p><p>Jesse remembered telling her to leave that day, the day that he felt like he couldn’t do anything else but get high. Meth, at the time, was a losing battle for him. That, no matter how hard he fought to stay clean he’d always lose. At least in his mind. <br/><br/></p><p>But Jane stayed and that was the first time they got high together and it wouldn’t be the last. <br/><br/></p><p>“Blaming anybody isn’t gonna bring me back, it isn’t gonna replace that aching hole in your heart where I use to be, that lonely feeling you feel when you thing about me... I want you to be happy Jesse” Hallucination Jane told him honestly, “You need yo get out of here, you need to fight” Jane crouched back next to Jesse "I never got to tell you but I loved you" That broke Jesse. Those words he wasn't so sure were true but hearing them come out of her lips... was what made Jesse's tears fall. Jane wiped his tears as quickly as they fell. </p><p>Her gentle hands wrapped around Jesse's cuffed wrists to pull him up off the floor of the cage. She held his dirty hands in hers, his blue eyes pierced into her brown ones as she stood slightly hunched. </p><p>"I loved you too Jane, more than i ever loved anything and it kills me everyday that I can't hold you, kiss you, talk to you" As Jesse poured his heart out Jane took a look back at the dark abyss behind her, as if someone was calling her."I have to go baby, i'm sorry but you wanna know somewhere I always wanted to go?" Jane asked. </p><p>"No.. where?" Jesse asked back, ignoring how absurd and out of context the question was. </p><p>"Alaska" Jane replied with a smile, her red lips widening. </p><p>"Alaska huh?" Jesse asked sincerely making the girl nod, "Me too" Jesse whispered brokenly before Jane's hands left his and her body backed away into the darkness. Her feet making no noise as the ghost backed away from her lost love with Jesse's pool blue eyes stared back at her with nothing but content. Jesse finally had closure with the love of his life, albeit an overworked and sleep deprived hallucination, it was his content and he couldn't be happier. </p><p>The weak tarp that lay over Jesse's cage was flipped up while Jesse went back to his position on the floor as if nothing happened. Todd towered over the top of the cage looking down on Jesse. </p><p>"Keep it down or Uncle Jack will make me do something I don't want to, Okay?"</p><p>And just like an obedient little puppy Jesse replied "Okay" </p>
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